Holy F-Day: World’s Christians Unanimous – Life Begins At Birth (not before)

This post is not safe for work due to strong language and deliberately offensive content. Click to see more only if you have thick skin or are an antitheist. Note however, that though I originally intended this to be a fun, humorous, deliberately offensive, anti-religious post, as I typed it, I found that I had made at least one very serious point.

Holy Fuck!! Someone clicked through?

Happy Holy Fuck Day to any religious readers. What is Holy Fuck Day? Well, since it was considered OK to pretend Jesus was born on December 25th so that Christians could coopt the pagan holiday associated with the winter solstice, it should be fine to assume that Mary was impregnated 9 months earlier, i.e. on Holy Fuck Day, March 25th.

The anti-choice crowd who believe life begins at conception should believe Holy Fuck Day to be a much bigger holiday than the celebration of the mere birth of Christ since this would be the day on which he was conceived. This must be a much bigger holiday than the mere birth which happened 9 months later.

I can’t wait to see the egg hunts on this one. They should bring back fond memories of the Borgias. Sorry kiddies. This is Mommy’s and Daddy’s (and all of our very close friends’) egg hunt. You’ll have to wait for Easter for yours. Now go to bed and don’t open the door to your room no matter what you hear from downstairs.

Some claim that the bible opposes abortion based on the supposition that life begins at conception. Clearly, since no one is celebrating today, no one actually believes this. So, would someone please finally point me to the reference in the bible that explicitly mentions abortion? There is none. Abortion predates both the Old and New Testaments by centuries, see Abortion History. And yet, there is not a single explicit reference to this supposedly sinful act in either the old or new testament. Were the authors of the bible too prudish to mention abortion? I doubt it.

This is a book that talks about homosexuality (an abomination according to the Bible, Leviticus 18:22), rape (including when to stone the victim to death versus forcing her to marry her rapist, Deuteronomy 22:23-29), fucking sheep (an abomination according to the bible, Leviticus 18:23), fucking one’s daughters (OK according to the bible, but only if the father is drunk and the daughters initiate, Genesis 19:30-38). No. The authors were neither prudes nor squeamish about sex and related issues.

Come to think of it, the content of the bible would probably be considered pornographic in any other context. But, people teach the shit in the Bible to their kids. Yeesh!!

The point is that the authors of the Bible saw nothing sinful in abortion. They saw nothing about it worthy of any mention at all.

Seriously though, if Christianity really did preach that conception was the time of life’s beginning, wouldn’t Holy Fuck Day be the primary holiday rather than Christmas? To my knowledge, there is a minor celebration of the immaculate conception, but none for the incarnation of Christ. Look around, check out the Holy Fuck Day decorations, the huge sales, the Holy Fuck Day greeting card industry, the national holidays around the world. There are none. Where’s the hoopla?

Instead, Christians around the world are in unanimous agreement, life begins at birth.

Now that you know, please stop trying to legislate based on a religious belief. A) It’s unconstitutional to do so and B) You don’t even have a valid religious argument for your belief.

This next bit has become just a humorous aside and no longer the intent of this post. However, I want to leave it in because writing the text below got me thinking about the subject and ultimately led me to the much more serious point above. So, on this Holy Fuck Day let’s take a look at the circumstances of the Holy Fuck and see what kind of guy this God character is purported to be.

God made Mary pregnant (without her prior consent by all accounts of which I’m aware) without dinner and a movie first. Then, no sex, no orgasm, and leaves her in a society where an unmarried woman who had managed to become pregnant would be stoned to death. Now you’re fucked! Presumably 9 months later she experiences the double pain of simultaneously losing her virginity and giving birth. And, he didn’t even give her someplace nice and comfortable for that experience. She had to push ‘m out shove ‘m out … way out … in a manger. Then he buys her off with a one time lump sum child support payment that included frankincense and myrrh. How about a little food?

You might think that if God were to honor His mother (Holy Mary Mother of God, what a concept!! What a bunch of crap! Is this the place from which the term Holy Shit arises?), He would give her a nice clean birthing room with pretty curtains and a person of science standing by in case God decides to play another joke on Mary and give her a breach birth or some other significant complication. You might say that God would never do that to his own child. However, most preachers do preach that we are all God’s children and breach births do indeed happen.

Please note of course that the immaculate conception does NOT refer to the conception of Christ, but of Mary. So, clearly The Great Sky Bastard had already done the same thing with her mother prior to doing this to … His own daughter. The conception of Christ, for the record, is known as the Incarnation of Christ.

So, God the Father was obviously a bad lay, or not really a lay at all though the victims still ended up fucked.

Did Y’Shua ben Yahweh learn anything while on earth as flesh and blood? Did Mary Magdalene perhaps teach him a thing or two? Any nuns want to chime in on the sexual prowess of their uber-polygynous husband (almost a million wives at present)? Would he rate well as a porn star? Got any photos? I’m sure we’d all love to know what the biggest prick in the universe looks like.

I doubt Jesus would really be much different than God since most people agree that God/Jesus/Casper the Holy Ghost are all the same being, perhaps with multiple personality disorder. I won’t go into what this means with respect to Jesus having impregnated both his own mother to make himself and his grandmother to make his mother.

Why talk about the sexual behavior of God at all?

Mostly to point out that if we met a human being with the manners and morals of the fictional character from this 2,000+ year old fantasy, we would not invite the misogynistic bastard in for dinner. But, being the central character in an ancient fantasy, people actually worship The Bastard. I’d expect better manners and morals from a drunk drooling over a strip club runway … and I’d probably be right the vast majority of the time. Heinlein once pointed out that most gods humans dream up have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. If this particular God character ever acquired the manners and morals of a spoiled child, it would be a huge step up.

Perhaps it’s time to dream up a new and better God, a kinder, gentler God. Flying Spaghetti Monster is a good start. Though, for my taste, I’ll just stick with reality over fantasy.

For those who rightfully point out that this post singles out Christianity. I will point out that another of my posts, One People Divided by Religion, hit both Judaism and Islam and was silent on Christianity. While I oppose all religion, I oppose the Judeo-Christian-Islamic one most strenuously as it is the one causing the most problems today. Further, having been born into the Judeo-Christian-Islamic religion, I am merely more familiar with it. And, in this case, familiarity does indeed bring contempt. Of course, as I always like to point out, my contempt is not for the religious, but for the religion itself. It’s similar to the way many Christians “hate the sin but love the sinner”. I hate religion but don’t feel differently about the religious than the non-religious. I don’t love all of humanity, as you might guess by my blog moniker, but do not make my decisions about people’s characters based on their religious beliefs. Rather, I take each person individually and make my decisions based on their individual qualities.

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4 Responses to Holy F-Day: World’s Christians Unanimous – Life Begins At Birth (not before)

  1. Mr. Fusion says:

    I’ve been in the argument before. Life does NOT begin at birth. Life began close to 4 Billion years ago. It has continued ever since. The life in a fetus came from the life already present in the egg and sperm. If either parent had no life, ie were dead, then there is no fetus and hence, no child.

    So what does this have to do with abortion? Every time a woman menstruates or a man ejaculates wantonly, life is extinguished as much as if the egg and sperm joined.

    • Excellent point!! Of course, the religiose in the crowd will likely point out that it annoys their god when someone spills their seed. But then, how will they get around all of the life lost even when one among the million sperm in the ejaculate finds an egg and fertilizes it? And then, how will they get around the vast majority of eggs that do not even implant in the womb?

      (BTW, last I heard, the currently reigning hypothesis of why type 1 diabetes persists is that it provides an advantage to the fertilized egg in making it more likely to implant.* I believe that the article I read stating that said that about 80% of all fertilized eggs never make it to the point of the woman knowing she is pregnant. Perhaps some god or gods actually like playing the part of RU486 in preventing pregnancy.)

      * Current hypothesis states that all so-called bad recessives would be weeded out if they did not provide a benefit. Sickle cell anemia in one gene provides immunity to malaria. Type 2 diabetes provides the benefit of being more likely to survive the binge and starve cycle that is normal in hunter-gatherer societies.

  2. Mr. Fusion says:

    So what benefit does hemophilia serve? Or Huntington’s Disease? Or the propensity for certain cancer types?

    Going back to when life “begins”, I believe the whole argument of life beginning at conception is just another aspect of certain groups believing women are worth less than men. Groups believing in sexual equality are much less likely to try to control a woman’s body.

    I’m reminded of a few years ago visiting a farmer. He lived in Amish country and uniquely had a pond. The Amish boys used to swim in his pond but the girls could only dip their toes in it.

  3. I’m not sure about the side benefits of the genes for other diseases. There generally are positives. Each case would be different and would be totally unrelated to the actual illness.

    I agree about the misogyny. It is the only explanation I can really see. I mean, if you don’t like abortion, don’t have one. If you’re a man, as I am, how could one possibly know what it means to be pregnant, let alone give birth and then be stuck with the critter presumably for life.

    I would suggest that male anti-abortionists should go through this mental exercise.

    1. Imagine someone just rammed a baseball bat up your ass against your will.
    2. Imagine that you have magically become pregnant as a result and, by sheer dumb luck, have not contracted an STD (or Dutch Elm Disease).
    3. Imagine that for 9 months, you feel ill, bloat, have to pee all the time, and a number of other issues.
    4. After 9 months, your asshole must spread to the size of a dinner plate (see goatse) to release your ass-baby.

    This is a process that is 40 times more likely to result in your death than an abortion, though only 4 times more dangerous than an unsafe illegal abortion performed under non-sterile conditions.

    5. You are now responsible for the care and feeding of the genetic offspring of the person who rammed a bat up your ass 9 months ago. You are grounded for about 18 years, minimally.

    Is this the way you wish to be treated?

    Then why force this on others?

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