Waterboarding Noah

I was recently surprised. I had what I thought were two original thoughts about Noah’s Ark. I googled both and found that I was far from the first to think of either, of course. But, there is a sub-thought to my second thought that does appear to be somewhat original.

The first thought I had was regarding the fish tanks that must have existed on Noah’s Ark if evolution is not to be believed. See, the fresh water fish would not survive in salt water when all the waters of the world mix. And, the salt water fish would not survive the dramatically reduced salinity when so much rainwater is added to the great global ocean. So, there must have been fish tanks on Noah’s Ark. Further, as the water evaporated back into space, since it’s clearly not here anymore, Noah must have been putting each of the freshwater fish species back into the appropriate lake. That must have been a fun task.

BTW, the Grand Canyon was not created by the receding flood waters because water flows downhill. When all of the water is at the same level, it can only evaporate, as noted before, into space. Good luck explaining that. Maybe God drank the extra water.

The second thought I had was about the rate of rainfall. This too has gotten quite a bit of attention. I will do my own calculations here as mine do not seem to match any of the others I found online. But, this is that sub-thought regarding the rate of rainfall that may truly be a first.

God waterboarded Noah.

Let’s look at that rainfall rate first. The water had to cover Mount Everest. Assuming that the water level was the same before and after the flood as it is today since fundamentalist believers do not seem to believe in climate change or sea level rise, that means that the water level to cover Mount Everest had to be 8,848 m (29,029 ft) higher than today. And, the increase took place purely due to rainfall over 40 consecutive 24 hour periods (i.e. 40 days and 40 nights).

So, in 960 hours or 57,600 minutes or 3,456,000 seconds, the water had to rise by 8,848 meters or 29,029 feet. That’s 9.22 meters per hour or 15.36 centimeters per minute or 2.5 millimeters per second. Or, for those stupid Americans like me who still think in the British system, that’s 30.24 feet per hour or 6.05 inches per minute or a tad over a tenth of an inch a second.

When we have a heavy downpour, we get a couple of inches in the course of hours. This is more than an order of magnitude faster rainfall than the heaviest downpour ever. This would probably be like standing under a major waterfall or being hosed down with a fire hose. Were Noah or any of the animals to go out on deck, they’d probably drown.

So, did God waterboard Noah? It seems like it.

Further, no image I’ve ever seen or description I’ve ever read showed the ark having a roof over the whole deck. So, as the rain poured onto the deck faster than the fastest bilge pump could ever pump it out, the boat quickly filled up with water and sank.

So, it would seem that we are all dead now.

Or, at least we are just as dead as we would be from the story of Genesis in the first place. Adam and Eve had two sons. The End.

12 Responses to Waterboarding Noah

  1. buckeyenonbeliever says:


    I actually asked an evangelical about the amount of rain which would have had to have fallen in 40 days in order to cover the enitre planet including the mountains. I told him it was impossible.

    His response? You have to remember, a day is like a thousand years for god. So naturally I said, using that logic then; you are saying that the flood lasted 40,000 yrs.? He said yes, the flood lasted 40,000 yrs. Forgoing the obvious rebuttal about how old the earth is according to the bible, I had another question in mind. I asked, seeing as how the bible states that the waters receded after approximately 365 days before the animals and crew could disembark, which in his logic would be 365,000 yrs; how did all the animals and noah’s family survive that long on the ark? Where did all the food come from to sustain them for 365,000 yrs? That seemed to me to be (sarcasm alert) highly improbable.

    I was told that I was twisting his words and misrepresenting his view. Yet, all I did was use his rationale, and I was the one being ridiculous!!!! Un-freaking-believable!!!!

    How in the hell, does one combat this obtuse line of thinking and delusion?

    • buckeyenonbeliever,

      To play god’s advocate (harder for me than playing devil’s advocate, but here goes):

      Obviously the animals were all fed manna aboard the ark … except for the lions who ate the unicorns. Damn. I almost had it there. I’m not sure why your evangelical acquaintance bothered with the whole time thing. He’d have done better sticking with a literal interpretation despite the size of the ark required for all the animals. Actually, you’d just need the manna for the herbivores. The rabbits would breed like rabbits and feed the carnivores. Of course, there would be no shortage of food for the dung beetles. Yecch!!!

      How in the hell, does one combat this obtuse line of thinking and delusion?

      Badly. Anyone capable of that line of thinking will never get it. There are thinking theists out there who would fare better against your arguments, not well, just better. The only real answer a theist could come up with that would make any internal sense at all would be to chalk up that part of the bible to allegory.

  2. This Old Dog says:

    To Buckeye,

    First, the Ark in question was only made to float as a raft because it had no rudder.

    Second, it had a huge door on its side to allow 2 of every animal inside right?
    So, what do you think happens to any vessel that has a huge leaking door, with no rudder in which to steer, and is pounded and rolling in the waves?

    Additionally, in order for the ship to carry 2 of every animal on earth, the ship in question would be so large that it would callapse in on itself.

    I will also note that with all that water on earth, the atmosphere would be so heavy that it would literally crush all the land animals therein.
    To include us.

    Not to mention that at the time, (Mount Everest) would be nothing but a small hill.

    Have a good day friend

    • Some drawings of the ark show it with a large gangplank up to the deck. That’d solve the side door issue. Putting the elephants, hippos, and rhinos on the lowest deck might help with ballast.

      You’re absolutely right about no motor, no sail, no rudder. That fucker is getting hit broadside by every wave. Nasty! And, of course, there are the issues about the ark being large enough for one or seven pairs of all the animals on the planet. And, there’s the transportation issue for animals like sloths from South America and kangaroos from Australia and polar bears from the arctic and … … ….

      I thought that according to the babble all land was covered by water, even the top of Everest. Where’d all the water come from? Why God, of course! Where did it go after the flood? Back to God, of course. Hmm… This is beginning to make me think about God’s bodily functions. Yecch!

      I don’t think that the atmosphere would get any heavier. In fact, there might be issues with oxygen. Though Noah’s ark would be at the then sea level, the water would still be up at the level of the top of Everest or a bit higher. Most people take oxygen tanks when climbing so high.

      Bottom dwelling ocean creatures might have to climb some tall mountains to avoid getting crushed. Of course, the salinity change would make that irrelevant anyway.

      For the record though, it’s not 2 of every animal. It’s 2 of the unclean animals. It’s 7 pairs each of all the kosher animals. Good thing elephants aren’t kosher.

  3. Apparently, not only is there a movie coming out portraying the story of Noah, but apparently, there is an atheist remix of the actual movie trailer. Enjoy.

  4. bobbo, the pragmatic existential evangelical anti-theist says:

    My first thought was: “Noah’s story really is quite fanciful.” but then just about every story/thought/moral/fable in the Bible is just as fanciful. The story is quite personal for me as asking where all the water came from is what got me kicked out of Sunday School Class. Years ago I asked the Minister hubby of my Sister the same question and he said God caused the water to “gush forth” from the Earth as well as rain and that indeed the whole point, including the food and water needs of all the animals, is that IT WAS A MIRACLE!!

    If you don’t believe in miracles/the power of God who stands OUTSIDE of time, space, and logic, then you don’t accept Christ into your heart.

    You know….you are a heathen. But as my nom de flame indicates, even if all the bible is true… there is still no reason to believe. and thus the birth of an ANTI-theist.

    I feel so warm and cozy.

  5. I’m just glad not to believe in that Yahweh freak. The religion of my birth did not include the sequel. Were I to believe in Yahweh, I’d constantly be looking over my shoulder wondering what that sick fuck had in store for me next.

    Chosen people?

    Chosen to be the butt of Yahweh’s sick sense of humor. In every generation, they rise up against us and attempt to destroy us, but the wholly psychotic one cursed be he saves us for his next fucking sick practical joke.

    Chosen to be the first ones up against the wall every time anything goes wrong in the world. Fuck that!

    • bobbo, the pragmatic existential evangelical anti-theist says:

      The news on tv last night interviewed a guy riding the NYC subway home last week and he in good cheer yelled “Happy Hanuka” to the car load of people. For his good will towards man, a few thugs beat him up expressly because “the jews killed Jesus.”

      I admit I laughed a bit at that. Nervous. People in their various faith traditions being so bone chillingly stupid and hateful. I thought “Jesus was a Jew” disposed of that particular line of bigotry? The Judas Idea that Jesus had to die to save mankind is way over the heads of the …. dare I say…. misanthropes.

      Had the same nervous feeling listening to Faux News talking head say that trickle down economics was the way to go. Bone chillingly stupid, only indirectly hateful. Lawrence O”Donnell just said it well: “The conservatives become human only when the issue touches them personally.” Thats pretty much true across the board.

      So easy to isolate ourselves.

      • Perhaps he got beaten up for not knowing that Hanukkah was a month earlier than Christmas this year. So, he was supposed to have wished the car a Happy Hanukkah at least a month ago.

        The whole Jews killed Jesus thing is particularly offensive to me and should be more so to Christians. Admitting that the Jews killed Jesus means that Jesus is dead.

        And, if God so loved humanity that He sacrificed His only Son for us, then God killed Jesus. And, Jesus is still dead.

      • bobbo, the pragmatic existential evangelical anti-theist says:

        Ha, ha. You think maybe it was only a timing issue huh? Well…. good reason to simply wish Happy Holidays then for those of us who are time challenged. Makes me nervous to wish Merry Christmas in June as I often do.

      • The timing thing was an attempt at levity regarding a really bad situation.

        I went to a coworker’s wedding in a large church once in NYC. All around the church was large lettering on high with images depicting the way the Jews killed Jesus.

        Is it any wonder that it was so easy to stir up centuries of anti-Jewish sentiment in Europe not that long ago? (Trying to avoid invoking Godwin here. But, IMHO, this becomes a legitimate part of a conversation rather than a silly comparison of public figure X to a short, mustached, psychotic, 1/8 Jew.)

      • bobbo, the pragmatic existential evangelical anti-theist says:

        Yes, I took it as levity. How else??

        As stated–the stupidity, hatred, bigotry, and misanthropy just to name the first 4 that came to mind.

        Sidebar: my Grandfather on my Fathers side owned one of the first garages in NYC. Downtown Manhattan near or on the spot of the Kennedy Center (my memory is fading). Dear old Dad was much the nihilist and didn’t believe in much of anything… the basis of his all inclusive humanity…. but…. he didn’t like Jews. He never said exactly why and provided no details. Just an attitude he had, very subtle, so subtle, maybe I am making it up? Thusly: he would talk about moving to California and being one of the few whites that would date Mexicans. He said, we are all the same people. But when a show on tv showed whites on the East Coast not dating Jews, he would not condemn the practice. I didn’t even notice that about him until one day he mentioned that he was in love with a Jewish Girl who stopped dating him after the Stock Market Crash and he lost his inheritance. Connected? Who knows…. the heart not only wants what it wants, it feels what it feels otherwise.

        But even Dear Old Dad thought it was stupid to hate jews for killing Christ. Course, he thought most things people do was pretty stupid. Like being in love….. period. Mom would always look off into space.

        I so fondly remember my childhood.

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