A New Explanation of Dark Matter

First, note that the proportions of the universe are as follows, though different sources may state slightly different numbers:

4.6% Atoms (which includes us, stars, black holes, and most of the rest of what we normally think of in the observable universe)
23% Cold Dark Matter.
72% Dark Energy.

Source: NASA

Scientific explanations of the dark matter include WIMPS (weakly interacting massive particles), MACHOS (massive compact halo objects), and even baseballs (literally baseball sized objects).

Today’s new hypothesis is that the dark matter is actually and literally shit.

The dark energy propels the shit in all directions in such a way that no matter where one stands in the universe, it appears that all of the shit is being propelled at high velocity towards the observer.

The idea for this new hypothesis came from the following statement from a coworker, “Have you noticed that the universe has an infinite amount of shit to throw at us?” (Thanks to Yefim for the start of this exciting new hypothesis.) I immediately noted that in a finite universe, there could not truly be an infinite quantity of shit. So, I began thinking about what might create the appearance of infinite shit.

With under 5% of the universe made up of ordinary matter like us, and 23% in the form of some unknown dark matter, it seems highly likely to me that the apparently infinite shit is actually the dark matter of the universe. And, since all of the shit always seems directed at any observer with high velocity, regardless of their position within the observable universe, it must require a tremendous amount of energy to propel all of the shit. Luckily, the 72% of the observable universe that is made of dark energy explains this perfectly. There is plenty of dark energy in the universe to continuously propel the shit as necessary to create the effect that all shit is aimed at any observer.

Further, the existence of all of this shit even explains why many of the galaxies in the universe are spiral galaxies swirling around like giant toilet bowls flushing. Another coworker (Rich) has noted that galaxies in Australia swirl the other way, due to the Coriolis effect.

We expect to write up the details of this bold new hypothesis for peer reviewed publication any day now. (Don’t hold your breath, unless of course a large quantity of dark matter is hitting you at the moment.)

Please note that many questions are still to be resolved, such as:

  • What is the proportion of turds, microturds, and megaturds?
  • What are the mass and spin of the turd particle?
  • Does turd particle interaction cause any effects other than disgust on the part of the ordinary matter with which it interacts?
  • Does the dark energy really propel the dark matter through giant interstellar oscillating rotary turbulence generators (known as “space fans” to lay people, though not to be confused with trekkies) as is commonly believed?
  • What are the conditions under which “dark matter happens”?
  • Does the dark matter come from the ejecta of black holes, thus making them the literal assholes of the universe?
  • Is the universe truly full of shit or is it just me?

Yes, it seems that there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done on this exciting new hypothesis. I predict that we will see both incremental and excremental improvements in this new field as the details are fleshed out. Of course, it may turn out to be a false and failed hypothesis. However, at present, it seems that this hypothesis has such an enormous amount of truthiness that some of us simply accept it as fact already.


27 Responses to A New Explanation of Dark Matter

  1. Sviergn Jjiernsen says:

    Are you saying that Theodore Sturgeon was wrong, or that he just miscalculated the percentages?

  2. Thanks Sviergn.

    I think that he miscalculated percentages and ignored calculating based on E=mc^2 the amount of mass/energy in the motion of the crap. And, apparently, it is very high velocity crap indeed.

    For those who, like me, were unfamiliar with Sturgeon’s Law, check this link for details. The main gist is that 90% of everything is crap.

  3. bobbo says:

    I love reading stuff I can’t comprehend at all but is supposedly true?

    “4.6% Atoms. More than 95% of the energy density in the universe is in a form that has never been directly detected in the laboratory! The actual density of atoms is equivalent to roughly 1 proton per 4 cubic meters.”

    I can visualize 4 cubic meters. I will now visualize a proton as a pin prick which is actually millions of times larger than a proton, but a pin prick is as small as my imagination takes me. Isn’t that pin prick very much less than 4.6% of 4 cubic meters?

    Regardless, I tend to believe any theory that starts with crap.

  4. bobbo,

    Perhaps this will help. The 4.6% is of the mass-energy of the universe, not of the volume. So, yes, the proton will be dramatically less than 4.6% of the volume of 4 cubic meters.

    However, most of the vastness of space would appear quite empty to us, having just one proton per 4 cubic meters, assuming that number to be correct. However, the mass-energy contained in that 4 cubic meters would be far greater than a single proton.

    The equivalent mass-energy of another 19 protons will be contained in that space in the forms of dark matter and dark energy. Does that make it any easier?

    So, my claim in this new hypothesis is that the mass-energy of the 19 proton equivalent portion will be shit quanta amounting to about 5 proton masses moving at high velocity giving them 14 proton masses of energy in addition to their mass.

    Does that make it as clear as shit?

  5. bobbo says:

    Oh, its definitely as clear as shit==and just as tasty!

    Well, Scott==unless you really search out and find a good science blog, at least now you have something you can expound on without fear of contradiction–although Paddy would probably tell us he was talking to the head of NASA the other day who said dark shit was a democrap idea to piss money on?

    Anyway, have fun with this. Something to think about “if you can.”

  6. Mr. Fusion says:


    Well, as you know, I am a big fan of yours. So when this “shit” hits me, it will be hitting the fan.


  7. Mr. Fusion,

    Funny. And, thanks. So, what happens when the shit hits a whole stadium full of fans? Would that be an attempt at a laboratory reconstruction of the dark matter and energy in the rest of the universe? A whole lotta shit hitting a whole lotta fans?

  8. Mr. Fusion says:


    I dunno, but I’d learn to duck real fast and real low.

    BTW, (at Bobbo) my wife says dark shit is OK. If your shit is black or had red streaks is when you should worry.

    Now, yes, I am making light of this. First, I’m in a good mood, second, I have Pink Floyd’s Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Part One) soothing my ears, but more important, I just can not grasp the concept of one proton per four cubic meters. Nor can I wrap my brain around how small and insignificant we are in the universe where there are as many stars as there grains of sand on earth.

    If I think too hard about this I’m going to want some superior being to take care of the administration end.

  9. Mr Fusion,

    Funny. I’ve never heard the number for either stars or grains of sand. I believe it’s 10^11 galaxies and 10^22 planets. How many stars and grains of sand are there?

    It’s also about 10^80 atoms in the observable universe. Any more statistics should be very interesting. However, we’re really looking for the number of turds, microturds and megaturds now.

  10. bobbo says:

    Scott–you always do such excellent work with links and what not, I wanted to give you a good one for the number of stars/sand. So I googled “number of stars in the universe” and just the first two entries vary the estimate by an order 10 exponents.

    10x13th would be between your two numbers but 10x22nd would match the number of planets==not probable unless your stat is only one of a batch of wildly variable estimates?

    “number of grains of sand” was kinda interesting to read about here: http://visindavefur.hi.is/svar.asp?id=4803 estimating the number at
    6.63 × 10×22

    On the way, I noticed a website calculating the how many grains of sand it would take to fill the universe. Just checked, the number was with reference to Archimedes. Bright as he was, I don’t think he had a clue?

    Fusion–damn you. Now I have to take some extra minutes to stare at my shit. Any different shade of red from polyps vs hemorrhoids?

  11. bobbo,

    I’ll have to google too now since I’m no longer sure of the accuracy of the 10^22. I think I heard it at a lecture by Neil de Grasse Tyson. I could be mistaken or could have mixed up numbers.

    Interesting link.

    WRT blood in the stool, yecch, I had heard that it would make the stool black. Red streaks would be more likely from hemorrhoids. Are you two suggesting that god has polyps and roids? And I thought I was the heretic.

  12. bobbo says:

    Scott–thought of you when reading this article. It goes more to the nature of the photon rather than size. Could you read this and explain it to the rest of us? (smile)


  13. bobbo,

    Sorry, this one is a bit beyond me. I wonder if it might have anything to do with the fact that at light speed, time stops. So, one might say, though KD has disputed this and knows more, that from the point of view of the photon, if it had one, the photon is everywhere along its trajectory simultaneously.

    I’m probably just blowing this out my ass; it likely has nothing to do with this. The idea that a photon has no position is strange to me since they are detected when they physically hit things. But then, anyone who thinks they understand quantum mechanics is wrong. It quite literally defies logic in nearly every possible way.

  14. bobbo says:

    Well then, to make up for that, here’s an article that agrees right along with several of your positions. “You are not alone!”


  15. I’m not a big fan of Lovelock. I do agree with a lot of what he’s saying about population. I’m not sure about the idea of charcoal. I haven’t heard enough about it. And, I don’t support nuclear fission on earth in any way shape manner or form. Fusion would be a different matter.

  16. Accremonious says:

    I had not heard of the grains of sand equation, but in Grade 6 Science class there was an example of the number of molecules in a glass of water.
    Teacher Mr. Alex Sokolofsky? [polio survivor] told us that if you took a standard sized glass of water and tied a hypothetical tag on every molecule, then poured/stirred them into the Oceans of the World, all the while stirring until it became a homogenous mixture, then if you took this same glass and selected a full sample from anywhere in these Oceans you would get at least one of the tagged molecules. He gave us the numbers and suggested we work it out ourselves [I was too lazy to do that], but because he was such a nice guy, I believed him, partly because I wanted to believe it! This maybe one of those famous academically true cases, I don’t know! But it is a good way to mentally demonstrate how small the H2O molecule is.

  17. bobbo says:

    Not that hard to calculate==size of the ocean in cups compared to number of molecules in a cup. If A is smaller than B, then there will be one marked molecule in every cup. If A is larger, then not.

    Saw an article a month ago that the amount of “seen” matter has been increased by several magnitudes. Seems the amount of stuff is done by measuring light from distant places and that necessarily involves filters of some kind. Change the filter, you change the answer–so the issue is does the increase in seeable stuff decrease the amount of dark matter than should/might be there or only add to it?

    Just thought of the other mind expander–that we are all breathing in molecules of air that once were breathed by anyone from history you might want to mention?

  18. On that last bit, ditto for molecules of water in your glass having once been part of the urine of sufficiently long ago historical characters. I personally like the taste of Socrates pee. Anyone else?

  19. bobbo says:


    THAT certainly is Misanthropic. You could have said “tea!”

    So much for that oceanic feeling of oneness.


  20. I’m not sure misanthropic is the right word for that. I believe Woody Allen said in one of his movies, “my disgustingness is one of my best qualities.”

    Hey, just to take it to another level, our “dark matter” here on earth fertilizes plants in the cycle of life. How many molecules of our food were once human crap? Can we assume that in every meal we get at least one molecule of Socrates shit?

    If I can get enough people to stop eating and drinking, perhaps I can do my part to reduce the population problem. Or, perhaps I’m just being an (_o_).

  21. Accremonious says:

    So why are you worrying? You are not going to get out of this life alive, anyway! Dead doesn’t hurt, getting there might, and in some cases damn well should! Plus during and after the next Ice Age, all of this infrastructure around us won’t matter squat, but currently that era seems to be getting even more remote!

  22. Actually Accremonious, I care because there are many species on this planet that I find far more beautiful than our own. When we kill ourselves off, we will take many others with us. Further, much of the mess we leave behind (plastics, PCBs, radioactive waste, etc.) will last for hundreds of millions of years.

  23. No shit!! WIMPS? This new theory seems on the verge of being disproved. I know you’re all shocked to hear that.


  24. The Expulsion Of Gods says:

    OMG, Scott!
    The exchanges between yourself, bobbo, and Mr. Fusion are absolutely ((fabulous!)) And left me in total exhaustion!

    Okay. I’m now going to share with you one of my own personal experiences.
    I’m not always inclined to speak about this, as it was excessively humiliating, and left me totally dumbfounded.

    Some friends had taken me to a small zoo which
    had some Lama’s enclosed within a small field. Now, our “guide” takes us even closer to them, and I was asked to feed and pet one of the, Lama’s. Well, being somewhat adventurous I jumped at the chance to do so, and as I fed the Lama, and then proceeded to pet the creature and admire its beauty is when I got hit in the face and mouth with its spit. How revolting is that?!
    Yes, that’s right.I got tagged by that damned Lama.

    And it was at that point that our guide said: “oh, my! Did I forget about mentioning those “fluid missiles?” And a friend replied: “yes, you did.” And after what seemed like an eternity of gagging and vomiting from that damned Lama spit, to near death, I finally got my breath and looking up only to notice that our guide and all my friends were laughing hysterically at me. (No surprise there.) Then I said: “Oh, no, no, no. I believe that that particular Lama said “bombs away” before striking me in the face with that disgusting shit.”

    My friends are still making fun of me because of that very embarrassing event. OMG, that was the worst day of my life, and I’ve not been to a zoo since. And as I think about that moment, I can still nearly taste that repulsive spit. Damn it! Now I’m feeling sick.

    • Sorry for your disgusting llama experience, as well as the reaction of the humans around you. On the plus side, good thing it wasn’t chimps. They throw feces. In politics, we call it mud slinging. But really, it’s shit slinging.

      • The Expulsion Of Gods says:

        Awww, that’s okay. We all have bad moments in life, and it’s very funny when I think about it…it’s just that…when I do, I often think of that damned bad taste it left in my mouth. But, I really do thank you for the concern though. That really matters to me, and thanks again, Scott.

      • The Expulsion Of Gods says:

        BTW, I never made it to the chimpanzees that day…huh…now I’m glad I didn’t.

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