Assorted Quips

I especially love sentences with definitions that really make the point. Here are a couple of my favorites and some other quips that I like for other reasons, sometimes shock value.

  • In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.
  • In theory, there’s no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there often is.
  • Mammals suck. Cetaceans blow. [ed. note: The former is mine. The latter was added by a friend. Thanks rit.]
  • American Nonsequitur Society: We don’t make sense. But, we love pizza.

I also like stuff that makes people wonder if they heard you correctly.

  • When spelling a word with the letter N, consider stating N, as in Nary. (Yes, there is a reason that people were so careful when choosing the radio code words for the various letters of the alphabet. Thanks to Rick for this one. I’ve enjoyed it repeatedly.)
  • Try throwing in the word automagically to describe any complex automated process.

Another favorite class of quips I like to use is the deliberately mixed or backwards metaphor. Here are a few of my commonly used examples:

  • We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
  • Let’s burn one bridge at a time.
  • I like a computer language that gives me enough rope to shoot myself in the foot.
  • Don’t throw out perfectly good water just ’cause there’s a dirty baby in it.


  • GOD is REAL … unless declared INTEGER. (Makes sense only to those who still remember FORTRAN.)
  • (while biting into a ham sandwich or such) Mmm. I like pork ’cause it tastes like people.
  • (as a form of grace before a meal) Food is good. Thank you food for dying so we could eat.

I’ll probably add more of these as I think of them. Given that some are just for the fun of shock value, I doubt anyone will like all of these. If, like me, you did like them all, you’re pretty twisted and possibly a bit on the sick side.


10 Responses to Assorted Quips

  1. Cully says:

    I often say “You buttered your toast, now sleep in it.” or “You made your bed, now eat it.” I laughed out loud at the baby/bath water one. I’ll have to try and remember it.

  2. Misanthropic Scott says:

    Cully, I like that one.

    Here’s another one, not a mixed metaphor, just a quip.

    I had a dollar. I had a dream. My dream was I got to keep my dollar. I won.

  3. Mister Fusion says:

    Your “I had a dollar, …” reminds me of an auction I went to last year. It was a bankruptcy auction and they had put the first dollar they earned in a frame on the wall.

    How about, “Why ask me? I’m noted for my looks not my brains”.

    “Trust me, my mother does. Oopps, that reminds me. I should go visit her grave”.

    “The only time my mother ever lied to me was when she tried to tell me I was adopted. What a kidder!”

  4. Misanthropic Scott says:

    Re: “Why ask me? I’m noted for my looks not my brains”

    Funny, but unless I really do begin to look like my avatar, I doubt I can pull it off. Good ones though, all.

  5. bobbo says:

    You could fill up a page by a quick google of Casey Stengle.

    I laughed once when on giving directions I said “You can’t get there from here.” Which was true in a sense. Some areas around airports you can only get to by car or taxi==cant walk there at all.

  6. Misanthropic Scott says:

    Two from a friend of mine. I use these often. Thanks Jan. They’re actually from her father originally.

    When talking about something funny but pathetically true:

    That’s too true to be good.


    You pay for what you get.
    Long version: If you’re lucky, you get what you pay for. But, you always pay for what you get.

  7. Misanthropic Scott says:

    Oh, and one more of my own, when referring to bad things that just are the way they are and can’t be changed.

    You get abused to it.

    (Obviously, this is as opposed to getting used to it.)

  8. Misanthropic Scott says:

    Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

  9. Crum says:

    These are great.

  10. On dividing the world:

    There are two types of people in the world, those who divide the world into two types of people and those who do not.

    There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who cannot.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.

    Unrelated to dividing the world, but related to math:

    Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

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