Presidential Humor

Here are a few unrelated jokes about presidents and/or the presidency. None are new, unless you haven’t heard them before, which is all that matters. At least one shows it’s age in the punch line.

Heaven is condemned:

Gorbachev, Reagan, and Bill Gates all happen to die around the same time and get to heaven. The three stand together staring at the pearly gates in a deteriorating state with plywood nailed over them for a while.

God comes up to them and explains, “I’m sorry about the condition of the place. I ran out of money to fix it up. Anyway, the world is going to end in a month. So, I’m just going to send you back down to Earth.”

Gorbachev addresses the people of the former Soviet Union as their former leader. “People, I have bad news and more bad news. First, we were wrong all along. There really is a god. Second, the world is going to end in one month.”

Reagan addresses the people of America as their former leader. “People, I have good news and bad news. First, we were right all along. There really is a god. Second, the world is going to end in a month.”

Gates addresses the employees of Microsoft. “People, I have good news and more good news. First, the rumors are true. I do have more money than god. Second, we don’t have to finish NT!!” [ed. note: I said these might be quite dated.]

Bureaucratic Mix-Up

Bill Clinton and the pope happen to die around the same time. Due to the type of mix-up that happens in any large organization, Clinton is sent to heaven and the pope to hell. After about a week, the mistake is noticed and corrected. During the switch, Clinton and the pope meet.

The pope says, “I’m sorry to be taking your place and causing you to be sent to hell.”

Clinton replies, “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. All of my friends are there. Is there anything in particular you’re looking forward to in heaven?”

The pope replies, “I’ve always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary, the only woman in the world to be truly chaste.”

Clinton looks directly into the pope’s eyes and asserts, “Correct!! I did not have sex with that woman.”

Presidential Airs

A mother, father, and grandmother are discussing a new baby.

Mother: Look at how long his fingers are. He will be a concert pianist.

Father: No. Look at the size of his head. He will be a scientist.

Grandmother calmly: He will be the president of the United States.

Mother: Ma. I love my kid too. But, I think you may be getting your hopes a bit high.

Grandmother: No. He will be president of the United States.

Mother: OK Ma. Tell us. Why do you think he will be the president?

Grandmother: Look at him. He’s completely covered in shit. And, look at how high he holds his head!

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