Bush Shatters 2000 Year Old Record

Biblical scholars agree that Samson killed 1,000 people with the jawbone of an ass. This number has stood the test of time, being uncontested until the present day. In 1997, the The Guinness Book of Records recognized Samson’s triumph with an entry in the book. Today, no weapons of mass destruction have been discovered in Iraq. Intelligence reports show a decreased level of safety from terrorism in the U.S. since the war began. The current death toll since 2003 in the Iraq war is 28,629 Americans and 78,743 – 85,813 Iraqis, or well over 100,000. This week, no longer in book form, Guinness World Records has recognized President Bush‘s prowess in shattering the two millennia old death toll record by two orders of magnitude using exactly the same weapon.

3 Responses to Bush Shatters 2000 Year Old Record

  1. Misanthropic Scott says:

    Author’s note: I had originally intended to submit this to The Onion as one of those page 2 one paragraph articles. Unfortunately, they do not accept submissions.

  2. I thought Stalin had th record with 50 million, I could be wrong.

  3. Misanthropic Scott says:


    Interesting. I’ve heard Stalin called a lot of things, but not usually an ass. Remember, it’s all about the choice of weapon. If it is determined that he used primarily his jawbone and that he was an ass, I will concede the point.

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