Everybody Kills Hitler On Their First Trip

Here’s a humorous time travelers’ forum.

International Association of Time Travelers: Members’ Forum Subforum: Europe – Twentieth Century – Second World War

To be different, I intend to go back to about 70-80,000 years ago. The population of humans was then just 2-5,000 people. I intend to hunt them down and kill them, thus eliminating the source of a great percentage of the suffering in the world. See you later … or not.

There’s a Rep for that …

(Readers who’ve come here from Dvorak will recognize this as a post from there by Eidard. Thanks Eidard!)

Genesis Explained Scientifically

How to be a computer expert

Courtesy of xkcd

Of course the problem with this is that although it is literally true, those who need such instructions can’t read flow charts.

Star Trek Meets Monty Python

I have no idea how old this is. It was new to me.

Thanks Rick.

Technology: Amazing, but no one’s happy.

Thanks Alida.

A New Explanation of Dark Matter

First, note that the proportions of the universe are as follows, though different sources may state slightly different numbers:

4.6% Atoms (which includes us, stars, black holes, and most of the rest of what we normally think of in the observable universe)
23% Cold Dark Matter.
72% Dark Energy.

Source: NASA

Scientific explanations of the dark matter include WIMPS (weakly interacting massive particles), MACHOS (massive compact halo objects), and even baseballs (literally baseball sized objects).

Today’s new hypothesis is that the dark matter is actually and literally shit.

The dark energy propels the shit in all directions in such a way that no matter where one stands in the universe, it appears that all of the shit is being propelled at high velocity towards the observer.

Palin For President

Michael Palin, that is, of Monty Python fame.

For those of you who are not Python fans or may not recognize every reference in this short video, I have posted the longer clips of each skit used in the video as a refresher class in Python humor. If you just want to go straight to a particular video, use the quick links below. If you’re really unfamiliar with Monty Python, you’ll likely want to watch them all (or won’t like this post at all).

Thanks to Rich Rosen for help finding some of the videos, especially the ones for scenes I didn’t recognize.

• Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
• Eighteen Pounds and a Kilt
• The Lumberjack Song
• Who Killed Whom
• The Spanish Inquisition
• Army
• Torture
• Hockey Mom

Marriage Related Humor — 3 jokes

A young bride, a virgin on her wedding night, is looking at her husband the next day. It’s the first time she has seen him naked in daylight.

She: What is that?
He: That, my darling wife, is what gave you so much pleasure last night.
She: Is that all we have left??!!? I’d have been more sparing with it!

Who Remembers DEC?

Here’s a bit of classic and ancient computer humor from the good folks at a company formerly known as Digital Equipment Corporation, once the second largest computer manufacturer.

See Figure One — NSFW, but only if you’re in a really annoying office. For any reasonably relaxed work place, it should be fine.

Aristocratization

Another great article from theonion. As usual, this one has an edge of near truth to it. I know they didn’t mention New York in particular in this. But, as a New Yorker, I just couldn’t help thinking that this was definitely about New York. How many other cities must be the same in this respect? I can’t say. It just seemed worth sharing and my blog was in need of some humor again. Enjoy.

Report: Nation’s Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened by Aristocratization

Assorted Quips

I especially love sentences with definitions that really make the point. Here are a couple of my favorites and some other quips that I like for other reasons, sometimes shock value.

• In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.
• In theory, there’s no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there often is.
• Mammals suck. Cetaceans blow. [ed. note: The former is mine. The latter was added by a friend. Thanks rit.]
• American Nonsequitur Society: We don’t make sense. But, we love pizza.

Subprime Primer — Hilarious AND Mostly True

Watch the slideshow at this link first. Then read below for a description of a minor inaccuracy.

Subprime Primer

The only very minor inaccuracy I’m aware of is that the “good” the “not so good” and “the ugly” should be renamed into five buckets named A through E tranches. Also, when the bank is left with the E tranches, they group the E tranches together and just cut them into more tranches so that they can sell the A through E tranches of the E tranches. Of course, this doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse.

Thanks to Stephanie for forwarding me the PowerPoint version of this.

When insults had class…

I got these via email, of course. I had seen many of them before and love them. Since my blog is about ready for some more humor, they came at the perfect time. If you haven’t seen these before, read and enjoy.

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words!

The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Nancy Astor: She said, “Winston, if I were married to you I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill replied, “Nancy, if I were married to you I’d drink it.” [ed. note: This sounded odd from the email I received, so I checked up on the exact wording and corrected it based on the text from The Churchill Center]

Presidential Humor

Here are a few unrelated jokes about presidents and/or the presidency. None are new, unless you haven’t heard them before, which is all that matters. At least one shows it’s age in the punch line.

Minimum Essentials Test

These questions are deliberately “trick” questions in that they require one to pay attention to exact wording and use some logic.

NOTE: Bonus question added 1/13/2008.

I have obscured the answers using ROT13, an “encryption” mechanism that is completely insecure and is best for obscuring punch lines of jokes and answers to questions. It’s a simple cypher where the letters of the alphabet are assigned values from 0 – 25. Since there are 26 letters, adding 13 to the value for each letter and using modulus 26 will provide both “encryption” and “decryption”. If you need the answer to any of these questions, just paste the funny looking text under the question onto the ROT13 page below, click Cypher, and appreciate that someone has a URL even shorter than would be generated by tinyurl. All answers will be spelled out, even when numeric due to the cypher algorithm used.

http://rot13.com/

Note: If you look up the answer, expect a snarky one.

1. A ship standing in one of the locks of the Panama Canal extends 42 feet above the water line. The water rises in th elocks at a rate of 6 feet per minute. After 3 minutes, how far above the water line does the ship extend?

A) Sbegl-gjb srrg, nffhzvat vg vf abg fvaxvat.

Internet Hell Desk

If you haven’t seen this before, it’s hilarious and definitely worth watching all the way through.

Bush Shatters 2000 Year Old Record

Biblical scholars agree that Samson killed 1,000 people with the jawbone of an ass. This number has stood the test of time, being uncontested until the present day. In 1997, the The Guinness Book of Records recognized Samson’s triumph with an entry in the book. Today, no weapons of mass destruction have been discovered in Iraq. Intelligence reports show a decreased level of safety from terrorism in the U.S. since the war began. The current death toll since 2003 in the Iraq war is 28,629 Americans and 78,743 – 85,813 Iraqis, or well over 100,000. This week, no longer in book form, Guinness World Records has recognized President Bush’s prowess in shattering the two millennia old death toll record by two orders of magnitude using exactly the same weapon.

Best Nigerian 419 Scam Ever!!

Wow!! Just noticing my site is getting just a tad depressing at the moment, even more so than usual. Time to add some more humor again. Check out this Plea For Help. It’s a classic.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Onion Articles

I’ve been reading The Onion since about 1996 and love it!! Here are a few classic onion articles that never fail to amuse me no matter how many times I read them.

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: ‘Oh Shit,’ Says Humanity

Pope Admits: ‘God Ain’t Said Shit To Me’

Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over’ – Too true to be good. And, quite prescient as well; check the date.

Voice Recognition Software Yelled At — This one is short and not politically or religiously charged. Just plain funny.

That’s probably enough for one day. I have to keep reminding myself to add humor to my blog. I keep getting too serious.