A New Explanation of Dark Matter

First, note that the proportions of the universe are as follows, though different sources may state slightly different numbers:

4.6% Atoms (which includes us, stars, black holes, and most of the rest of what we normally think of in the observable universe)
23% Cold Dark Matter.
72% Dark Energy.

Source: NASA

Scientific explanations of the dark matter include WIMPS (weakly interacting massive particles), MACHOS (massive compact halo objects), and even baseballs (literally baseball sized objects).

Today’s new hypothesis is that the dark matter is actually and literally shit.

The dark energy propels the shit in all directions in such a way that no matter where one stands in the universe, it appears that all of the shit is being propelled at high velocity towards the observer.

The idea for this new hypothesis came from the following statement from a coworker, “Have you noticed that the universe has an infinite amount of shit to throw at us?” (Thanks to Yefim for the start of this exciting new hypothesis.) I immediately noted that in a finite universe, there could not truly be an infinite quantity of shit. So, I began thinking about what might create the appearance of infinite shit.

With under 5% of the universe made up of ordinary matter like us, and 23% in the form of some unknown dark matter, it seems highly likely to me that the apparently infinite shit is actually the dark matter of the universe. And, since all of the shit always seems directed at any observer with high velocity, regardless of their position within the observable universe, it must require a tremendous amount of energy to propel all of the shit. Luckily, the 72% of the observable universe that is made of dark energy explains this perfectly. There is plenty of dark energy in the universe to continuously propel the shit as necessary to create the effect that all shit is aimed at any observer.

Further, the existence of all of this shit even explains why many of the galaxies in the universe are spiral galaxies swirling around like giant toilet bowls flushing. Another coworker (Rich) has noted that galaxies in Australia swirl the other way, due to the Coriolis effect.

We expect to write up the details of this bold new hypothesis for peer reviewed publication any day now. (Don’t hold your breath, unless of course a large quantity of dark matter is hitting you at the moment.)

Please note that many questions are still to be resolved, such as:

• What is the proportion of turds, microturds, and megaturds?
• What are the mass and spin of the turd particle?
• Does turd particle interaction cause any effects other than disgust on the part of the ordinary matter with which it interacts?
• Does the dark energy really propel the dark matter through giant interstellar oscillating rotary turbulence generators (known as “space fans” to lay people, though not to be confused with trekkies) as is commonly believed?
• What are the conditions under which “dark matter happens”?
• Does the dark matter come from the ejecta of black holes, thus making them the literal assholes of the universe?
• Is the universe truly full of shit or is it just me?

Yes, it seems that there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done on this exciting new hypothesis. I predict that we will see both incremental and excremental improvements in this new field as the details are fleshed out. Of course, it may turn out to be a false and failed hypothesis. However, at present, it seems that this hypothesis has such an enormous amount of truthiness that some of us simply accept it as fact already.